word vomit (creative confidence post 2)

This whole debacle is just one very specific tip of the iceberg in terms of all the “optimism and resilience” based struggle in my life. But I had to start somewhere, so here I am.

I’ve had a lot of people tell me I have a problem with perfectionism.
I took it as a complement at first. Because it was initially given to me as one. When I used to be really into art, I would have teachers comment on how much of a “perfectionist” I was. I would receive praise for my work, for the attention to detail, for the lack of flaws, then I would be told I was a perfectionist.

So to me, that meant that I was thorough.

That I didn’t accept anything less than the best.

I can show you what is wrong with everything I have ever done though.

It was nice that people said things like that, but I did not, and do not believe them.

The complements they gave were and are, simply oversights on their part.

You think this is good? It’s not.

I can show you why it’s not. 
I have never completed anything that isn’t insanely flawed.

And I consider it realistic of myself to know that.

Fundamentally I’m afraid of being one of “those people.”

I can’t describe it figuratively, so I’ll give you the mental image I’ve drawn up.
In art classes there are always “those people.” People who are extremely prideful, and think of themselves as artists. Who think they’re great, who think their work is fantastic- but honestly. It sucks. Like the people on American Idol. The ones who get up there, full of confidence, look the judges straight in the eye, start to sing- and then wow us all with their immense capacity for complete failure. The one thing we’re all thinking when we encounter these people is “How do they not know?”
How do they not see their flaws?
Hasn’t anyone ever told them?
Don’t they understand?
Then the next thing I think/feel is embarrassment for them.
Because embarrassment is a deep fear of mine.

Maybe that’s why I insist on dwelling so completely on all the ways in which I don’t measure up to everyone else.
Because as long as I am aware of them, no one can tell me something I don’t know.

I will never be one of the contestants on stage, receiving the news that they are not in fact good singers.
Because I know what’s wrong with me.

And there’s a lot. It’s true.
But what matters is that there’s no “new” insult you can throw at me.
I’m not perfect. That’s fine.
But do not for a second, think that I think I am.
I can’t deal with that. I don’t know why.

I just can’t deal with the idea that someone thinks they need to break the news to me. This is a struggle that crops up a lot in my life.

The one, broadest way though, is that it keeps me from starting.

If I know I can’t do something perfectly. Why would I try.

For example, I know I can’t draw a horse.
So I will not draw a horse.

Obviously you can see the problem this mindset creates.

For to learn how to do something, you have to try, fail, and try again.

But something that process requires, is an ignorance to the fact that you suck.

And I don’t have that. I know I suck. So why would I prove it to you?
Or not even that. I suppose I don’t mind that.

If I were to try and draw a horse, I would be able to look at the finished product, and know that it sucks. God, it would be BAD.
I know that. And I wouldn’t want anyone to see it, unless I could first make sure that they understood, that I understood it was bad. As long as they knew that, okay, sure, take a look. We can laugh about it together.

But I am nauseated at the idea of someone seeing my horse and thinking that I think it’s good. I KNOW it’s not good. I KNOW it.

Do not for a second think that I don’t.
Don’t lie to me and say that it is.

Don’t “spare my feelings.”
That’s how those poor people end up on the American Idol stage making fools of themselves. Their whole lives people have lied to them because they didn’t want to hurt their feelings, or be negative, or kill their dreams, whatever.

But what good has that done in the end? All they’ve done is delayed the inevitable. Now we’re all laughing at them. Now the damage is much greater.